Off to the Right Foot
At the start of 2023, I met someone who said, “I hope the new year is off to the right foot.” I chuckled in my head and thought, “It’s off to the right leg.”
After spending the last five months of 2021 on crutches and limping around, then starting 2022 in a behemoth brace, and finally completing months of physical therapy and strength and conditioning, I can say, it feels good striding into 2023. Last year, I had knee surgery: total ACL reconstruction and meniscus repair. Amidst a major injury, I experienced a handful of obstacles that tested my perseverance, including a provoked Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT) that delayed surgery five months as I took blood thinners to dissolve the blood clot. I had a lot of time to think….I recall spending the first week post operation lying in bed with my leg propped on three pillows. Staring at the popcorn ceiling of my childhood room, I couldn’t believe that I was on the brink of 30, yet living at home with my parents. I was immobile, jobless, and completely depressed. I’m about to share my ACL journey: the emotional roller coaster, the highs and lows, and the lessons I learned through this injury.
7/1/2021: Calculated Risk
I’d just taken a leap of faith to leave my secured job at IBM, a fortune 100 company. I’ll forever be grateful to Big Blue and the five years of professional and personal growth I experienced. I learned from great people including colleagues, clients, and a handful of mentors who inspired me, specifically the female executives in a male dominated industry. But after thoughtful consideration, I knew for my own well-being and mental health that I had to leave corporate America. My gut was telling me to explore different avenues, and I was grateful to receive the support from my IBM team who encouraged this decision. I remember my manager told me, “You’re still young. Life is short. Do something that is going to make you happy.”
And what made me happy? Soccer. Living in Los Angeles rejuvenated my profound love for the game. Whether it was playing or coaching, I was constantly smiling when the ball was at my feet. Since the age of three, this is what I knew. There were chapters in my life when soccer defined who I was. Through trials and tribulations, I realized, I’m more than a soccer player, yet it will always remain a core to my being.
So, I pursued other opportunities, and one was a tryout for the Philippines Women’s National Soccer Team (PWNT). Months leading up to this event, I’d been having conversations with friends and fellow athletes about playing competitively. The highest level of soccer I achieved was Division I at Vanderbilt University. In fact, back in 2012 of my sophomore year, the PWNT reached out to my coach and asked if I’d be interested in attending a trial in California. I wanted to go, but the timing wasn’t right due to financial reasons. And if you’re Filipino, you can imagine my mom saying, “Hoy! You must focus on your education! Who’s going to pay for you to fly out der to California…and where will you stay? Huh!?”
Fast forward a decade later, here’s a golden chance in Irvine, California. As a LA resident, I felt like the universe delivered on my thoughts. Finally, my moment to try. After years of competitive adult leagues in Dallas and Los Angeles, and most recently playing at Venice Beach FC (VBFC), I felt my true love was back and stronger than ever. If anything, this was a time to play with other Filipinas and meet cool people. I laced my new, vibrant red Tiempos and stepped onto the turf of the Great Park Sports Complex. I embraced the unknown with zero expectations but an open mind to possibilities.
Futbol Familia in front of the VBFC mural at Venice Beach Boardwalk.
8/4/2021: Day 1 of Tryouts
Warm-up laps into rondos. Competition yet camaraderie on the pitch. Filipino hustle with positive encouragement. To summarize, it felt right: stringing passes, running on the field, and directing the flow of the game, I’m my happiest and truest self when I play. I was also among women who were like me. All my life, I never had a Filipino teammate, and here I was among 40+ Filipinas playing the sport we love. It was a highlight moment of my soccer journey. For the next week, I was movin’ and groovin’, channeling my veteran wisdom, and playing with a youthful joy. I connected with girls and learned their soccer stories. I even had the fortune of scoring a goal during our match against a WPSL team. It’d been a while since I was in an atmosphere like this, and it felt empowering.
Group pic after a sunny Day 1 of tryouts.
8/11/2021: Day 8 of Tryouts
As fables warn us, hope for the best but prepare for the worst. On a Wednesday morning, the infamous “pop” changed my trajectory. I tore my ACL and meniscus and sprained my MCL. Immediately, pain flooded my body. I remember witnessing my knee move in a wave-like motion. I fell to the ground thinking, “Why is someone pulling apart velcro straps…?” No - that was the sound of my ligaments tearing. Quickly, I registered what happened to my body. Just as quickly, my mind raced into a financial spiral. My first job out of college was in healthcare consulting, so I knew repairing a knee could costs as much as a down payment for a home. How am I going to get through this with no job or health insurance?
Queue my panic attack. I tensed up and nausea crept over my body. Anxiety sky rocketed as I fabricated worse case scenarios. The trainer told me I had to relax, but I didn’t know how. Eventually, I called my boyfriend and sister who helped alleviate the pain from a distance. As my sister said, “You can’t see tears through a phone call, but I could hear them as she spoke. In that moment, I knew, her dream would be put on hold.” After a visit to an urgent care and local orthopedic, I built up the courage to call my mom. I didn’t get a sentence out before she asked, “Is something wrong? Are you okay?” A mother’s intuition. I hit her with the hard news. My parents’ heart sank.
It took me a while to accept this injury. I was mad, defeated, and lost. I let myself feel these emotions and sat in silence to make sense of things. We will have highs and lows and twists and turns. No path is ever straight and easy.
10/1/2021: Provoked PTSD
I got back on insurance through COBRA, researched in-network providers, started physical therapy and established care with UCLA Orthopedics. I had a plan and started to see tiny improvements within my PT visits. After several weeks of progress (we needed to decrease swelling and gain ROM before operating), I experienced a new pain. This was a sharp and intense feeling, like a constant charley-horse in my left calf. This wasn’t my knee, this was something different. At the time, I’d just completed three sessions of BFR, Blood Flow Restriction. I was hesitant to do this treatment and told my PT I had a history of blood clots. I relayed a detailed account of my Pulmonary Embolism (PE) from my senior year that ended my collegiate career early. For a long time, I had PTSD about getting another blood clot.
After a panel discussion with her practice, my physical therapist concluded it’d be safe to proceed with BFR and that my college case was a one-off situation. It didn’t take long till I found myself checking into the ER and an ultrasound confirmed a blood clot. I knew something was off and my past was telling me to advocate for myself. It was that gut feeling that my body wasn’t right. So, I had a busted knee and now a blood clot. The medical protocol for a DVT is three months of blood thinners plus multiple visits with a hematologist.
I learned that I always find a way. After putting aside my pride, I recognized the best way to heal was to accept the help of others and to put myself in an environment where I can focus on recovering. This meant leaving Santa Monica and going back to Florida for surgery. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I had to let go of California. Maybe it’s more of a “See you later Cali, I’ll be back…eventually.” In the meantime, I packed my suitcases and heading home to Pembroke Pines at the start of 2022. It’d been eleven years since I lived in South Florida, and this was the homecoming I needed.
1/20/2022 : The Road to Recovery
As someone who lives an active lifestyle - soccer, running, yoga, hiking, skating, and surfing - I had to really slow down and heal day by day. My biggest takeaway from this injury is patience. After a successful surgery by one of the top orthopedic surgeons, Dr. Caldwell, I had a quick turnaround to initiate the comeback. No better place to start than at Donner Physical Therapy. On my very first day at Donner PT, I was not only greeted by a kind and experienced staff, but also by a picture of me from a 2010 Sportslink Magazine. I took this as a sign that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. During that time, I was coached by an incredible team of physical therapists who celebrated small victories together, like completing my first single leg raise without a brace. Other milestone moments like running on the Alter-G treadmill, or performing my first plyometric session, were days that I started to feel like myself - It’s quite remarkable how much our bodies can achieve. There was a strong community at Donner PT. Strangers turned into friends as we witnessed each other get stronger week by week. Matt Donner and his team are incredible. Anyone who needs their services will be in the best hands.
Checked in by a kind staff and prepped by attentive nurses before going into surgery at Cypress Creek Outpatient Surgical Center, I’m FaceTiming my seester before taking off for my knee operation. I can always count on her to uplift the moment and bring laughter to the dreary setting.
The day after surgery, Dr. Caldwell schedules his patients to come into his practice for a thorough check-up. Frankenstein Knee! It was critical to check on swelling, especially with my history of blood clots. The first evening after surgery, it’s the standard R.I.C.E: rest, ice, compress, elevate. Caldwell’s team showed me how to wrap my knee and put on my heavy duty brace. I was given exercises to complete: ankle pumps, single leg raises, heel slides, and quad flexes.
Life has a funny way of showing you where you need to be. As I crutched into Donner PT, my mom questioned: “Ash, is that you?” Behold, a picture from 2010 in my Saint Thomas Aquinas soccer uniform. Well, clearly I’m meant to be here. Greeted by my own smile and an expert staff, it felt right to start the recovery at Donner PT.
At a certain point in physical therapy, I needed to take it to the next level. Donner PT referred me to Per4orm. I was about 9 months post op, but my confidence was lacking. I was still afraid to cut or jump, and I knew my left quad wasn’t as strong as my non-operative leg. So, I called Per4orm and scheduled my evaluation with founder, Nick Hicks. Just by walking into the facility, I knew, this was going to be the spot to make gains. Both being South Floridian athletes, Nick and I had a lot of mutual connections - right off the bat, he listed three people who he helped recover from ACL surgery, one of them was my sister’s best friend. So, again, I knew I was in the right place. It’d been a couple years since I was in a gym environment like this. There’s an energy of athletes’ grit and determination that fills the space. At Per4orm, I had one-on-one training from one of the best coaches in the state, let only country. I started to find my confidence again and could feel the difference in my strength, both physically and mentally.
The athlete world can get pretty small. Make that radius Broward county, and you’re bound to find a circle of people who excel in sports. I was lucky to find the right people guide me on my journey and grateful for their support. If there’s anyone in South Florida who needs physical therapy or sports performance, I confidently recommend Donner PT and Per4orm.
10/7/2022: The Motherland
In the midst of my recovery, our family had a long-anticipated trip planned to the Philippines. It’d been 23 years since we were all together on the islands. Over two decades since I’d seen my Filipino cousins. This adventure across the world was not only a family reunion, but it was also a business trip with hopes to obtain my dual citizenship. Throughout my injury, I held on to the feeling of playing on the pitch with the Filipinas. I told my mom that when I come back stronger and healthier, I’d waste no time trying again to play for the Philippines. So, earlier in 2022, my mother re-acquired her Filipino Citizenship through RA9225. I was instructed that I could apply for a passport, so I collected all the necessary documents. We’re talking paperwork on paperwork. I kept telling myself, this injury has taught me who I am. From being fed Sinigang and Ube as my first meal out of surgery, to visiting the home where my mother grew up with her five siblings, I’d experience a reconnection to my Filipino roots. We traveled to Manila and entered the Bureau of Immigration. My mother and I waited in lines and talked to several people in uniform. Eventually, we went up three flights of stairs to sit in a hot hallway with beige walls. We handed over my request form and binder of paperwork to a kind lady who took the documents into another room for review.
Fingers crossed, prayers prayed.
Sometimes, things don’t work out the way we hope. This try, I was denied processing my dual citizenship. My mother took it as a sign that we did everything we could and that it was time to let go of this dream. But, I know there can be a way. It might not have happened on this trip, but I’m determined to keep trying and have faith that one day things with align perfectly and it will process. In the meantime, I decided to focus on my healing and getting back to playing. I couldn’t let this one denial ruin the rest of my joyful trip and regress the progress I’ve made. I told myself, this injury isn’t for nothing. Maybe one day I can play for PWNT, or maybe this dream is directing me to something else. Throughout it all, the breakdown and challenges have given me something bigger to believe in.
A long awaited Silfavan family reunion in Davao.
1/1/2023: New Year, New Perspective
At the start of this journey I thought, “I’m a loser, living at home with my parents, far away from my favorite city, feeling completely lost and racking up medical expenses I can’t afford.” In time, I changed my thoughts to, “Wow - I’m so thankful to have my mom and dad and their support during this chapter in my life. What silver lining of this injury to come back home to my roots and revisit the places where I grew up. I can even connect with old friends and take this time to reflect.” I was also grateful to have job opportunities come along. From helping an old teammate brand her company, to consulting a start-up with their flagship event in NYC, I was lucky to have other flows of income again.
Experiencing an injury like rupturing your knee is traumatic. I’ve witnessed teammates suffer from it and I’ve seen their inspiring journey back to sport. I researched countless athletes and learned about their comebacks to fuel mine, such as Megan Rapinoe who tore her ACL three times and said: “The injury grounded me in a lot of different ways. The rehab process makes you stronger on all fronts, mentally and physically. I feel stronger and a better person for it. I would never wish it on anyone, but I don’t wish I could take it back.” Another inspiring comeback is USWNT player Kristie Mewis. During her injury, Mewis realized she’d be settling for average. She took this adversity as a growing opportunity and said, “I obviously don’t want to just get back to where I was, I want to get back to an even better place. So that’s what I’m striving for. I want to be better than I was before I tore my ACL. I don’t just want to be the same.” Let’s not forget the 2018 Ballon D’or winner, Ada Hegerberg after two years of injury. Upon returning to the game post ACL rupture and tibia fracture, Ada felt like a kid again when she stepped on the field and noted that she “never stop believing and I always had faith in order to get back again.” Even right now, we’re witnessing some of the greatest make their come back: players like Marta, Alexia Putellas, Christen Press, and Catarina Macario.
For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Struggle is part of the game. We find ways to overcome obstacles. Through my dark days, I found my people who will support and guide me, but most importantly, I rediscovered who I am and found myself. People told me that this was going to be a transformative experience. Boy were they right. I hit my one year anniversary of knee surgery. I never knew so much growth could happen during one lap around the sun. I often remind myself of this quote by my former IBM CEO, Ginni Rometty: “Growth and comfort do not coexist.”
Some stories that helped during my initial phase of recovery: every episode of The Playbook on Netflix, Tim S. Grover’s Relentless, Nigel Cumberland’s 100 Things Successful People Do, and Dua Lipa’s Podcast: Service 95. Additionally, I consumed countless sports documentaries; not to mention, hours of home videos, including our 1999 family vacation to the Philippines. Throwback to practicing soccer on the same island my parents got married.
Recently, I came across this message in OFF Issue 1: “Time ‘off’ not only revitalizes body and mind; it sparks inspiration and freshens perspectives. It’s only when we get offline, off the couch, and off the beaten path that deeper insights reveal themselves.” During my time off, my soul was awakened: that little girl who brought Mia Hamm’s autobiography Go For the Goal to her third grade show-and-tell, that girl whose father trained her with tennis balls in the backyard and taught her how to use her left foot, that girl who played four years up with her older sister and watched games from the sideline, that girl who saw her mother become a nurse in her 40s and learned that pursuing your dreams has no time limit.
If you’ve gotten this far, thank you. Thanks for taking the time to read my story. There were many moments when I felt silly writing. But I realized when I’m vulnerable and share the raw details, it reveals who I am and my honest truth. I really believe that storytelling can help us be seen and heard. We can connect, learn, and inspire through our stories. 2022 was my year of healing. I’ve committed 2023 as my year of doing. Things will still take time and I have to cultivate patience, but I have a feeling, it’s off to the right foot.